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May 5th, 2009
12:06 am
So i've decided on my first tattoo....
well, i haven't decided which one of these...but this book is full of really neat illustrations that i totally love. frog and toad. No idea where i would get whichever either. i will decide. and hopefully have it by the end of this month! wooh! any suggestions would be nice to hear also!
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_EQXPQvxgn9A/Rn8GF1qurDI/AAAAAAAAAsk/eDscbhaNMN4/s320/FrogAndToadAreFriendsFront.jpg
http://www.bsu.edu/photoservices/media/79976/frogtoad1.jpg
http://www.thebigcritique.com/wp-content/themes/revolution_music-10/revolution_music-10/images/books/frogandtoadcollection.jpg
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April 25th, 2009
12:14 am - bla hblah blah rant blah blah
everything important to myself i should be creating i have barley started. and i hate myself for it! Aghh! my cat has been shitting in my room all over the floor every night she stays in. conclusion, i dont like cats at fucking all. The other day it was beautiful outside, i had no work, school, i had the back door breeze open commin through, and i started sewing. that was good. i was happy, and since the weatheres getting nicer..i think my motivation is going to start creeping back up like it did. i dont drink as much as i use to. i still wish the feeling of needing it when im hanging out with new people, going to shows, whatever, would go away. its fucking silly, and i was never like this a few years ago. its weird. i am relying on fucking alcohol to make me feel better about myself because im not secure enough around new people? its so damn silly. and i dont become more awesome when im drunk. maybe i mosh harder haha, but thats it. Im confused about this matter with myself and wish i knew exactly what to do! such is life i guess!! i got my license today. what the fuck. i've been waiting for this since i was 16. to be able to leave whenever i needed time alone, to not have to rely on anyone to get me anywhere. because i live at the ass ends. And for the first time, i was driving home from work at 11pm, listening to some good god damn david bowie, all windows down, 75 degrees and i couldn't fucking break the smile off my face. it was weird...i didn't care about getting fucked up at all, i felt so damn good about myself! i hope that happens everytime i drive around haha, stupid. id like to start going to shows every week instead of everyother week about, but im scared of driving in baltimore and dc just yet...dont think i have good experience...probably would crash and get very lost.! ah! haha. I dont know if i want to go to school next year. everyone is assuming im going to, because anne arundel community college is a good school, close, blah blah, why wouldn't i? I feel like taking a year off will allow me to save money for fucking school so i won't have to struggle so much. And i'd love to travel around.....i dont know.... i neeed moree out of my life, i want to be damn excited about life every single day! WMUC is a neat place for shows. i like it. me and some dude rammed heads and i woke up with the worst fucking headache of my life, i hope my brains not bleeding and i hope i dont die in the next few days all of a sudden...still hurts! bruised on both sides. scary. haha. i hate subway. goodnight.
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March 21st, 2009
01:55 am - blah blah blah sentimental blah blah blah
I cherish having grown up in such a wild fucking large family so much. I love my cousins to fucking death. And with out them i would be miserable. My cousins are my best fucking friends, and rad as shit at that. An understanding we have with each other that cant even be expressed, we just fucking get it. damn. makes life easier and way more awesome. damn, im excited to grow old.
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December 24th, 2008
10:57 am
FUCKING PENTAGRAM!!! MARCH 7TH, B MORE. and i am freaking out...
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December 5th, 2008
05:09 pm
be loud
let your colors show
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December 1st, 2008
11:51 pm
kind of how i feel
YES
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November 10th, 2008
12:35 pm
where the fuck have my priorities in life blown the fuck away to?
My room is a consistant mess all the time. Im not focused. I dont get shit done like i use to. I speak and i sound fucking stupid. im going to make a list of shit i need to get accomplished and tape it next to my bed. Its the only way i'll get my brain out of this bullshit. and IM FUCKING TIIRED. tired tired. depressed and tired.
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September 5th, 2008
10:54 pm
"sometimes at night, when i can't sleep and i want something- not sex, not a lover, not even to write, but something-
i get to thinking i ought to call someone just to hear a familiar voice pushing the years aside, just to be able to say, Hello i'm so glad you're still there, how are you? but i can't. Whole chunks of my past saddled up and gone, riding into a kaleidoscope sunset, and whether it's because of all the drugs, or the pace, or just time, those particular brain cells only wine and run whenever i try to get them to form a posse and ride after the fugitive information."
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July 21st, 2008
03:40 pm
A on my english exam. final grade B. Thats all i really care about all my other grades were average and crappy.
I'll have my license in January! about fucking time!! Myself driving is fucked up haha...can not multi task...will only be able to focus on road.
so much so much so much goin on in life right now wahhhhhhhhhh! many good things many crap shit things many annoying fucking things and many awesome things.
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July 10th, 2008
01:21 pm
my friends or whatever, always letting me down really upsetting and makes me ill to my stomach makes me actually want to just go to work everyday. Wouldn't mind only hanging out with my family and cousins for the rest of time because they are really genuinly good people and to find others like that is so hard and depressing.
Its never okay to physically hurt your friend only because she is calling you out on your BullShit. You were so tight and i nearly loved you but you completly fucking let me down today and I'll never pick someone else over my sister so fuck you.
I wonder how tomorrows conversation will go with you because i can never walk away or forget about FuckedUp situations. I always bring um up and talk about them to their face i can't hold my feelings within me it feels like my heart is bein shoved down in the fuckin grime when i do.
Really hatin on everything even my friends i see shit they do and its totally not them and it really pisses me off. I see one friend copy tendencies i have that make me who I am and use um to herself and its just really weird haha...
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June 26th, 2008
12:47 pm
i really hate cutesy kinda girls.
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June 19th, 2008
11:08 pm
It really takes me a long while to truly feel close to a person. We've been friends for 8 months and im really grateful for these past few days. All our friends are away leaving only you and i, therefore only leaving us two to hang out. And it really created a tight bond between us i had not yet felt. Rules.
I fuckin broke down and bought a fuckin IPOD nano shits. Look at me im all fuckin hip now haha! I guess it beats trunkin around a bunch of cd's which makes my book bag a lot heavier. And it is pretty nice to have it all on a peice of fuckin cardboard!
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09:56 pm
sometimes when i'm in the shower i get scared
that someone is sneaking into my house to kill
my family and then me all naked and slippery
scared of what i cannot see
sometimes when i fall asleep and i'm dreaming
i see you and i wake up crying and screaming
you're still laughing at me of course and i love you
but don't know how you feel for me
i always feel stupid i never feel smart
except when someone asks if i major in art
i say, "no, engineering" they stop asking questions
it's too hard to figure me out
plus nobody likes a smart girl as much
as a dumb pretty girl who wont finish her lunch
and i am so fucked, i will never be like that
i'm just weird and full of self-doubt
but smart girls fall in love
and smart girls get scared
and smart girls get hurt
but of course no one cares
they assume we can handle it
and well we can but it's
so hard to make it alone
smart girls fall in love
and smart girls get scared
and smart girls get hurt
but of course no one cares
they assume we can handle it
and well we can but its
so hard to make it alone
sometimes it's hard to take myself so serious
i try to seem cool, try to be mysterious
but it's a joke and big waste of energy
how quickly it slows me down
most of the time all i really want is a kiss
from this dumb boy i never see and always miss
there's lots of better ones, i really feel so dumb
chasing this wandering clown
but smart girls fall in love
and smart girls get scared
and smart girls get hurt
but of course no one cares
they assume we can handle it
and well we can but its
so hard to make it alone
smart girls get terrified
smart girls fall in love
it's hard to admit
that everyone needs someone
and there's no exceptions
so DONT BE AN ASSHOLE
now that my cover's all blown
smart girls fall in love
and smart girls get scared
and smart girls get hurt
but of course no one cares
they assume we can handle it
and well we can but its
so hard to make it alone
smart girls get terrified
smart girls fall in love
it's hard to admit that
everyone needs someone
and there's no exceptions
so DONT BE AN ASSHOLE
now that my cover's all blooooooown
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June 16th, 2008
12:04 am
i will never eat mushrooms again. i was tripping so fucking hard and the begining was awesome! laughing smiling enjoying my friends company. staring at the grass, the grass was growing into flowers right underneath me! Was ridiculous!
Then it completly went downhill. I was fucking crying hysterically i felt so fucking alone the trip became fucking miserable. All i could think about was how shitty everything was. My mind could not handle the intensity anymore. Everything became negative I could not stop crying because i felt so fucking alone I was tripping so fucking hard i really thought i was going to die i really really wanted to fucking die right then mushrooms compltely took over my head. and i had no control over my emotions or feelings everything was Shit the worst fucking feeling in my life. And i was so fucking scared and everyone just kept saying mann how can you feel like this you should be feeling fucking happy. and that just upset me even more. I cant describe at all in words how i felt but i guess it was something like completly honestly wanting to kill yourself so bad standing at the edge of a cliff inching off second by second but never falling instead just realizing more and more shitty shit and crying hysterically and never being able to come to a conclusion just stayed in the moment for what felt like hours of truly wanting to die. i felt like life had no fucking meaning and i had no meaning everyone is truly shit. And the worst part is i could not stop myself. i was calling everyone on my phone and everything everyone said to me did not help me get out of that state of mind. they helped me through it im sure...stayed beside me but nothing made it go away.
It was fucking terrible and so fucking sad. i could not snap out of it not for a fucking second. All i wanted to do that whole time was leave the place i was in...which was the park...But i dint know how and finally someone mentioned leaving and i couldnt believe it thats all i wanted to do that whole time that enviroment was terrible for me and i dont even know why. So we get in the car i get in the passanger seat and all i can say is "just drive just drive not go anywhere i just need to be riding in the car" So while my friend is driving all the windows are down we put on music really loud and the sky is really stormy and everything became really beautiful and i couldnt get the smile off my face.
So ill never eat acid i should never eat acid because it would be a terrifying fucking experience for me.
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June 14th, 2008
12:08 am
Everytime I see your face I get all wet between my legs
Everytime you pass me by, I heave a sigh of pain
Everytime I see your face I think of things unpure, unchaste
I want to fuck you like a dog
I'll take you home and make you like it
Everything you ever wanted
Everything you ever thought of
Is everything I'll do to you
I'll fuck you and your minions, too
Your face reminds me of a flower
Kind of like you're underwater
Hair's too long and in your eyes
Your lips a perfect "suck me" size
You act like you're fourteen years old
Everything you say is so obnoxious, funny, true and mean
I want to be your blowjob queen
You're probably shy and introspective
That's not part of my objective
I just want your fresh, young jimmy
Turning, slamming, ramming in me
Everytime I see your face I think of things unpure, unchaste
I want to fuck you like a dog
I'll take you home and make you like it
Everything you ever wanted
Everything you ever thought of
Is everything I'll do to you
I'll fuck you till your dick is blue
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June 9th, 2008
08:56 pm
Fucking senior beach week and everyone taking off work at the same time!! work every day this week. means busting my ass for 6 hrs plus cleaning, then another hour of straight cleaning! fucking food jobs! ridiculous! never get a job dealing with food!!!
-need to buy gel soles for my feet. are killing me!!
so happy its summer. one more fucking year of school=only 2 more classes i have to take then im done with highschool! about fuckin time yo!!
18 in January. Can't wait..tattoos...!
Will be a lot of swimming this summer. allready has been. awesome. sweet sweet terribly dirty fuckin bay water!! Just can't let 2 friends drink so fucking much before they swim. Too bad i arrived too late and allready they were fucking ridiculous and definitly shouldn't have been swimming. fucking drowning an easy thing when your plastereD!! My one friend fucking jumped off the dock on the wrong side and passed out in the water, she broke her ankle. the water was too shallow obviously. I knew i had to keep better watch on them, fucking dumb asses!! YOU'RE like 90 pounds and take like 6 shots in 10 minutes and talk shit on how DuMb BiTcHeS dont know how to handle their alcohol while your fallin all over the place being an idiot. ahhhhh.
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June 8th, 2008
11:33 pm - just so its said
greediness is a real shitty fucking quality.
I think i should probably put some more pride into myself because i feel like i give and give my good fucking qualities out too easily and get shit for return. I have to accept that most people are shitty and most people don't care about anyone else but themself. Im totally jaded by how shitty people can treat their own friends.
I really want to get out of annapolis for a good while and take a fucking break i really need it. Id even go travel by myself except im not 18 and still got my momma under me. And i respect her and she wouldn't want me to alone. And the person who would be able to well shes a greedy bitch but i still hang out with her because shes in our little circle of friends.
I really hate not having my lisense and having to rely on other people fucking everyday because thats not in my personality at all. i hate calling people for rides. i fucking hate it.I'm sick of males. They are fine as friends but anything beyond that is too much for them to handle. Im not sexist. Im just talking from experience...And i dont know about most people but i prefer to not be treated as a slab of meat or a fuckin opening for you're pleasure only. Or can i please have a good conversation..thats it..without you thinking it means i want to fuck you..come on yo! get outta here where the fuck did you come from. Espescially with STD's being so motherfucking rampant...how you gonna just go around fuckin and suckin...its gross yo. Im talkin about health here. how are you gonna put your health on the line for a few minutes of pleasure...whatever man i can wait!!
I have the same kind of fucking conversations with myself about this same shit and i know its completly getting old which is why i feel like i just need to get out of hereee!
Veronica you really need to go back to PA so i can visit ha cause your the only other person who understands everything i say and isn't a dumb ass muthafuckin bitch!
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May 20th, 2008
11:27 pm
prom will always be really dumb and i will never go and the dresses will always stay ugly
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January 27th, 2008
06:34 pm
neurosis was fucking amazing! totally spiritual experience hah. they fucking rule. New york city was all i figured it would be. Totally stereotypical and everything cliche, basically how its portrayed in movies is exactly what its like. subways are confusing as shit, i dont know what i would have done if 2 friends werent with me. new york is cold as fuck. i thought i was going to die. thankyou scarf, you rule. mastadon was okay, ive never lsitened to them really but their heavy parts in their songs are good..other than that, whatev. But yeah Neurosis....best show ive ever been to, the art was totally epic ha. scott kelly rules, totally intense dude. Everyone in NY is dressed so fucking nice...while i looked like crap aha fuck style im too poor. comfort is where its at muthafucka!!
I started crying after work because today was the last day of the Antique mall being open. it rules to have a job with good people, walking distance, bearable, okay pay...And for it to just be out of your life so quickly totally sucks.
Anyway today is my birthday im 17 which rules. i still smoke cigarrettes. i still have to pee every freaking hour. my body still has too many health problems and totally stressed out. Nothings changed. another year goes by and i still havent found an awesome dude to be with which is completly retarded to complain about but im just sayin it Would be tight if i did have one. hah. look back and laugh, paintbox, deathside and pentagram have been all ive been listening to. oh and the new neurosis record i got. hispanic boys are my new crushes. hah. that movie making fun of spartans or whatever the fuck its called i dont keep myself updated with movies an shit...but anyway it was fucking terrible. my brain felt melted and dumbed away after i watched it. maybe i could tolerate it if i was stonnned or maybe id just get more pissed ha either way who knows IT SUCKED!
whatever im sick of typing, infact i hate fucking typing out my feelings its so stupid i just dont feel like talking them out with anyone cause im in a human hate mood hah.
k im OUT
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January 21st, 2008
09:12 am
fuckin NEUROSIS thursday in NY. so pumped up!.
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flowerxviolence's journal
